I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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