Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
