I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I enjoy the company of your penis
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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