My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
They are going to name an STD after you.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
