I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
