exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
