no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
