Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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