my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
