omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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