i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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