Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
