She's JV to your varsity
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
