so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
