I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
