Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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