Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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