My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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