I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
