I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
