Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize