I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
