you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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