mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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