I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
