did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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