Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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