he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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