genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
