dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
