Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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