I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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