as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
