I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
