Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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