Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
