The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
my sisters under your porch take her home
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
