Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
