apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
