Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
