Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
