When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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