i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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