don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
