sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
