i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
