if you like me you must not know who I am
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize