My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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