no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You can't just leave with hair like that
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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