I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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