If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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