I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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