Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
