i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
