apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize