I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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