end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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