I am midnight drunk by noon
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
