you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
