you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
