my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Watching her eat just hurts me
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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