I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
