awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
