And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize