I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
