we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize