And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
