I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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