Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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